Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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