I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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