Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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