If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
