I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
