last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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