I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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