dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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