I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
