So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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