we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
