No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
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