Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
