Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
