mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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