i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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