My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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