I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
