"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
