"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
