i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
ttyl tear gas
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
