The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
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