Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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