I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
