So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize