My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize
