i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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