You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
