My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
