Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
