I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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