Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize
