Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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