I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
