When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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