he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
organizing the empties. That sober.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
