I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
