Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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