I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
