perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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