I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
