4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
