I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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