Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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