did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
