moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
