quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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