I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
