My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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