do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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