Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
