My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
