Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
