we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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