you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
