you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
bring money and cleavage
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
