Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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