he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
