i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
me + whiskey = a bad person
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
