i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
