You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize