bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
