Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
