I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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