:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
