Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
