Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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