I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
