Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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