i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
