Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
