Swine flu. Run for my life!
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
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