just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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