every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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