The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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