I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
My life is pants optional.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
